Divorce is never an option.

I grew up in a home where the ‘d-word’ was never even mentioned in relation to my mom and dad. To this day, I still remember my parents sitting us down and telling us that we would never have to worry about them getting a divorce. Ever. I don’t remember the context of this conversation, or why my parents felt the need to give us this talk. Perhaps it was a TV sitcom that we were watching dealt with divorce. Or any number of things around us that could have started the nagging questions in the back of a child’s mind, forcing you to subconsciously wonder if the d-word would ever happen to your family. Whatever the context, my parents were perceptive enough to notice the nagging unspoken question on one particular day day, and they gave us the reassurance that even if we saw them disagree on something, we didn’t have to worry about them ever discussing the option of divorce. Thus, the ‘Divorce-Is-Never-An-Option’ mantra became one that was ingrained in my mind through my entire growing-up years… And I am extremely grateful for that. I am so thankful that my parents have set an example for us three kids, giving us the opportunity to see a marriage that has thrived for 30 years! (PS, happy anniversary, mom and dad – I love you!) ☺

As a child, I didn’t have any close friends whose parents had divorced, so the ‘d-word’ was never something I really had to face or interact with in my life. It was sort of a foreign concept to me, besides the occasional half-hour TV show that addressed the funny quirks about growing up in a mixed home, and the children learning how to become a blended family after their parents had remarried (Step By Step, anyone?).

But for me, and my family, divorce was never an option. Ever. That is how I grew up, and therefore, that is how I approached my marriage. You can imagine my inner turmoil, then, as I sat at the county courthouse, signing the paper that would end my marriage after a mere 19 months. Nineteen months prior, I had spoken my sacred vows to the man who I had thought the Lord had ‘made for me. My ‘soulmate. The man I was going to grow old with; the man I was going to walk beside, to serve God alongside. And suddenly I was hit with the fact that the one thing that was never an option was all of a sudden taking place in a very real way. I was getting divorced.


Me… the one who has always cared so much about appearing like she 'has her life together'. I was always the little girl who hated getting in trouble. The young woman who has toiled her whole life to do the ‘right’ thing. The student who worked hard through school to get those straight A’s. The woman who thought she was being selfless and somehow giving her life to God with reckless abandon. Always tring to ‘be good’ – to ‘do the right thing’ – and to ‘be in control.’ So what would it mean for me to face the fact that I was now a divorced woman? And how do I come to grips with the fact that God ‘hates divorce’? Does that also mean that he now hates me? And how do I explain my situation to people in the Christian community in a way that really explains the whole situation, so they will know that I did absolutely everything I could to try to fight for my marriage? How are people going to perceive me now that I am a ‘divorcee’? Will I be judged? Am I now in the ‘d-club’? How do I come to grips with this chapter in my life, when I hate the fact that I now have this ‘d-label’ on my chest for the rest of my life?

These are things I had to wrestle with after the divorce. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I’d need to wrestle with these questions. It’s interesting to me now, looking back… seeing how it was fairly easy for me to work through my pain and wounds pretty quickly after everything happened. But the thing I struggled with most, the thing I didn’t want to accept, was the fact that God had allowed this to be a part of ‘my story.’ I didn’t want to accept it. How could divorce now be a part of my story? It was something that I had always hated. I never believed that divorce would be an option for me. I still hate divorce. I still don’t believe that divorce should be an option. I truly believe that God did not intend for a married man and woman to separate. He created marriage as something beautiful and sacred, and I believe His heart breaks when He sees this thing of beauty become torn apart and broken.

I am at the point now where I feel like I have fully embraced this as a part of my story. I’m coming to a place in this journey where I am able to look back at that chapter in my life and see how far I’ve come. I can see now how God was with me every step of the way. And the amazing thing is that I am actually THANKFUL for that chapter in my life. Now don’t get me wrong… I would NEVER want to go back and re-live that chapter. It was a horrible time, and the pain that I endured is a pain that I would never wish on my worst enemy.

And yet I am thankful for what I went through.

I am a different person today because of this chapter in my story. God has taken me through that time of pain, and he has brought me out and made me even more beautiful because of it. And I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

So here I am... I am learning to embrace this part of my story.

"Your Hands" - by JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

A look back @ the hardest week of my life.

JOURNAL ENTRY: OCTOBER 26, 2006

The hardest week of my life. By far, the absolute hardest. So many emotions. TOO many. Don't know how to deal with them all. The past several days, I haven't even dealt with them, I've stuffed them. And now, I don't know WHAT to feel.

Tuesday morning, my life crashed all around me. Starting the day with that horrible news made me want to die. Emotions were crazy; what did I feel? Anger, sadness, like my heart was being crushed. Betrayal, hatred, confusion. Denial. A lot of denail. This couldn't happen to us. There's no way. Seriously, no way. Sure, things had been hard. At times, it was really, really horrible. But then there were the good times. Like when the sun starts to peek through the clouds, and you realize that there's still hope. But that morning, the clouds were overpowering, shutting out any glimmer of light. Why? How? Really? Did that REALLY happen? Please tell me no. Please tell me this is all just a horrible nightmare, that I'm going to wake up and things will be as they should. Complete and utter shock. My body feels like it's shutting down. My brain isn't processing anything. My emotions take over, and I'm washed in sadness as the tears begin to flow. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop crying. Silence on the other end of the line.

And then, all of a sudden, I am forced to shut off my pain; forced to ignore the hurt, to take my eyes off of myself. Because this is a matter of life and death, and my husband wants to die. I'm immediately focused on him, pleading with him not to give up, not to quit. Pleading with him to come back home. The only thing I'm feeling now is fear. Fear that I've never before experienced. Fear that this person really WILL follow through with what he's saying, that I will never see him again. Fear turns to panic, and again the tears come. I'm on the brink of becoming hysterical; or perhaps I've already crossed that line. How can I go on living without this man that God has placed in my life? How can he be so selfish as to take his own life, leaving me here without him? I can't go on alone, and I tell him that. Begging, pleading, screaming, crying. All with an overwhelming sense of dread, hopelessness, fear, and panic. Hanging up the phone only after the promise that yes, he will come home. But I'm still just as fearful. Still not knowing if he really will make it back home to me. How am I supposed to continue on with my day, as if it were just another normal day? I push the fear and panic deep down inside, not allowing myself to think all the 'what if' thoughts that are now bombarding my mind.

I drive off to work, fighting the tears, fighting the pain. Suddenly I begin to pray as I've never prayed before. Crying out to God, pleading with him to save my husband. Begging him to bring this man back home to me. Somehow, in the midst of it all, I am able to intercede on behalf of my husband. The next several hours are terrible hours, full of fear and worrying, but I'm not able to do anything. Just waiting. Helpless. Hurting, but not allowing myself to think about the pain. When the call finally comes, I'm washed with a wave of relief. He made it home. And yet, with that relief also come waves and waves of other emotions. And questions. So many questions. But I still need to get through the day, and so I stuff them down again.

---------------

If you couldn't tell... the above situation is when I found out about the first time my ex-husband had cheated on me. Only five months into our new marriage, finding out about it had absolutely crushed me. It was exactly one week after my birthday - a day I will not soon forget - and although the pain has totally healed, for some reason the month of October always brings back memories of that day. Looking back, I can see that week with a new perspective... Just wanted to share a little excerpt from my journal.

Opposite.

I still remember the sick feeling in my stomach when I heard the news. My ex-husband is getting remarried. To a woman he met at a bar. To a woman he started dating before we were even officially divorced. My stomach churned when I found out, and that night, I cried. It felt like the final blow, the last slap in the face from this man who had inflicted so much pain in my life over the past few years. I had known it was coming. My dream had prepared me for it, although in reality, nothing can truly prepare you for something like that. The knowing doesn’t negate the pain that is inevitably going to hit you when you hear that kind of news.

The next morning, my alarm woke me with the song ‘beauty for ashes.’ A new day brought a new perspective on the situation, and that morning also brought a new conviction in my heart.

In hearing the news, my sinful heart immediately wants to wish for the worst for this man and his new wife. Why should he have the opportunity to start over; why should he have a fresh start, when he never even made amends or apologized for what he left behind? So what does my heart immediately want to wish upon him? That this new marriage will end. That he will feel just a portion of the pain that I felt. That other people around him will see what a fake he is. That he will be unhappy in this new marriage. That ‘justice’ will prevail.

And so what conviction did God place in my heart that day?

“OPPOSITE.”

One simple word. Opposite. The exact opposite of what I would immediately want to wish upon this man… THAT is what I needed to pray that day. As difficult as it was to hear, it was also very freeing. To be able to pray for this man and his new wife… to pray for the exact opposite of what was initially in my heart… For some reason, God asked me pray for this man and his marriage. To pray that they would come to know the Lord, to understand the fullness of marriage and what it means to reflect God’s character through the marriage covenant. That they would prosper and find true joy in their marriage. That their marriage would succeed, that it would not end in pain or divorce. Blessings instead of curses. The complete opposite of what my heart would want to wish upon them.

Please know that this is absolutely NOT something that I am doing on my own or by my own strength. Please don’t tell me what an amazing gal I am, and don’t think that I am so strong for doing this. It is not me. Let me repeat: it is NOT ME. I do not understand it. All I can say is… it’s God.

Later that same day, I was riding my bike on these awesome trails near my apartment in Costa Mesa. I was enjoying the beauty, and I was also reflecting on what God had asked me to pray for that morning. (I was still perplexed). As I was thinking about it, I happened to pass by this scene below. A beautiful, blooming plant with white flowers... placed smack dab right beside this dead, black, brittle bush with cobwebs growing on it. My heart stopped for a moment and all I could think about was that word that God had put in my heart that morning. Opposite. It was a visual picture of what God can do. That he can create something beautiful out of something that was once only a place of ashes. How he can change my heart and prompt me to pray for blessings in place of curses. What kind of God is this? He is truly amazing.

My latest dream.

Throughout the entire ordeal with Dustin, my dream life has been very interesting. During the worst of the worst, my dreams would sometimes reveal things to me ahead of time. My dreams often correlated with what was going on with me and my emotional state, and recently, since the divorce, my dreams have been a place where God has shown me some of the things that I still need to work through in my heart. In place of seeing a counselor, I feel like God has used some of these dreams to counsel me through this experience, and to help me process through some things. Most of my dreams over the past few years were about anger, and how I was (or wasn't) dealing with that anger. One of the most significant recurring dreams was my trying to hit Dustin... all to no avail (I could never actually hit him). But then after something had happened when I was finally able to express my anger to Dustin, I had a dream soon thereafter where I was actually able to hit him, to make impact, for the first time. Then another dream came several months ago, where Dustin told me that he was getting remarried... and my anger instantly took over me in that dream. As soon as I woke up, I knew that there was still some anger that I needed to process through, and at the same time, I realized that that dream was possibly preparing me for the news of D getting engaged (which came to be true, as I have since found out in the past couple of weeks that he is, in fact, going to be remarried).

This latest dream happened just about two weeks ago... pretty soon after I had found out that Dustin was engaged. It was a pretty long dream, with a few different scenes, but I'm just going to write out the main scene here - the one with the most significance. So here goes...

All of a sudden I had Brody in my arms... I was holding him and hanging out w/ him outside, in a courtyard with a pathway leading between different buildings on the sides. Brody and I were bending down in the courtyard to pick some flowers - one for him to bring to his mommy, and one that I picked to put in my hair.

Then I see Dustin. He is on the same little pathway that Brody and I are on, where we had just picked the flowers (still outside in this courtyard area). I think he may have been talking w/ someone, but when I stood up and started walking toward him, the other person had already left. So here we are, walking toward each other. We make eye contact, but neither of us stops, neither of us says anything. We just walk right past each other - and at the moment we're passing each other, we are walking underneath this huge tan umbrella (kind of like what you'd see on a patio by the pool or something). I pass him, and pause at the end of the umbrella before stepping out and continuing on the pathway. I stop... and I am completely frozen. Part of me wants to run back to him, to talk to him, to make him talk to me. But it was like I just somehow knew that he wasn't going to look back, that he had walked past and that he was going to keep on walking without looking back... he would never turn back to me. I remember that I was still holding Brody (who had been silent and not really a part of this situation), and at this point I'm aware of him again, and I remember talking to myself, telling myself to move, that I had to move. And I did - I took that next step, away from Dustin.

This scene was definitely the most significant to me and the one that still stands out to me more than anything else in the dream. In all of my past dreams w/ D, I have wanted to kick/punch/tear at him. I've wanted to yell and scream at him, to make him see and feel a portion of the pain that he has inflicted on me. But in this scene from this particular dream, I had no anger. I don't even know what the emotions were. I'm sure that in future 'Dustin dreams' I may have that sense of anger again, but for this one, this 'walking away' dream - there was no anger. Just a glance in his eyes, then walking past him, that last pause as I was frozen in place for a moment... and finally, stepped away and continued on.


Interesting points about the dream
(random musings and rambling thoughts as I attempt to sort through this dream and what it means for me...)

-Walking under the umbrella - I don't know why that is significant; MAYBE it's not significant at all, but the next morning and all throughout that day, I couldn't help but wonder if my subconscious threw that visual picture into this dream as something that correlates to the marriage chuppa. About a year or so ago, I read Rob Bell's "Sex God" book, and really liked his chapter on the chuppa - since then, I've thought about how I'd like to be married under a chuppa one day, if I ever get remarried. I don't know why there was an umbrella in this dream, and I don't know if my interpretation is wrong or if I'm over-analyzing it, but I just can't get the image of chuppa out of my mind as I think back on that slow-motion, extremely significant scene in my dream. And I can't help but wonder - is this dream symbolizing what happened - the fact that D has chosen to leave this marriage commitment, to leave me, to give up on what was sacred...? The fact that in the dream he walked past me - and then how it took me a long time to tell myself to move out from under the umbrella and walk away without looking back or running back to him... Maybe it symbolizes the ending, the giving up, the letting go. Showing how hard it was for me to walk away from this sacred commitment, to let it go. To let Dustin go as he deliberately walked away from this covenant, as he stepped out from under the marriage chuppa, broke that bond, and left me and our marriage. In any case, this dream does signify the freedom that I am experiencing in this season of my life. The freedom to move on, and the freedom to let Dustin go. The freedom that comes from taking those next steps, from walking away without looking back or wondering what could have been. The freedom that comes from not letting someone control you through hoping for justice or revenge. The freedom of saying that Jesus' death on the cross is more than enough payment for any injustice that I experienced. This is the freedom that only God can give... and I am so very thankful that he is giving it to me.

And as I sit here thinking about the chuppa, what it was intended to symbolize... I can't help but wonder if God has another man out there for me, who will one day meet me under our marriage chuppa. If He does have someone out there for me, I can tell you right now that the symbolism of the chuppa will bring me to tears. If that day does come, I know that I will be free to make that commitment to the man God has prepared me for, and I will be honored to stand under a simple piece of cloth attached to four poles, to create a new covenant.

Life After Divorce:: beauty for ashes

Introduction:
This is not a story that will delve into the biblical teachings on divorce. I am not going to write an exposition on why Moses allowed for divorce in Leviticus, or why Jesus said a divorced woman should not get remarried in Matthew. I am not going to give evidence of my case as if I were a defendant on trial, with the intent of justifying why my divorce was ok according to Biblical standards. I am simply going to tell my story. I am writing this story for myself: to document, to look back, to remember. To remember all that God has done, and to simply reflect on his unfailing and perfect love through a situation that was seemingly hopeless and completely devoid of love.

This is not a story about how I have found ‘true love’ since my divorce. I have not. I am still single. If you are looking for a romantic ‘second-chance-love-story’ that will ignite a spark of hope and promise that you, too, may get remarried after divorce… I’m sorry, but this is not a story for you.

This is a different kind of story. Still a love story, yes. But one that goes deeper than a human tale of first dates and butterflies and romancing. More than a story of how God ‘makes things all better.’ More than a flippant regurgitation of Christian clichés aimed to make you feel better in a moment of sadness. This story goes beyond these things, for it is a love story of divine proportions. This is the story of how God is taking my mourning and giving me joy; how he is replacing my ashes for a crown of beauty. Yes, this story ends with joy, love, and hope. But in order to get to that point, this story must also go through the lowest of lows, to face that moment where nothing makes sense, and where everything seems to be ending. Because in order to see and appreciate the fullness of the beauty that comes at the end of the story, one must also experience the pain.

A note to the reader:
While I was going through the worst of the worst, in the absolute lowest point of my story… I did not want to even pick up one ‘Christian’ book. I did not want someone to tell me that ‘all things worked for the good if only you love God.’ I simply wanted honesty. I wanted someone to be real and raw with me. To tell me that this situation sucked, and that God hated it. My life was stripped down to nothing, and I wanted someone to see that; to meet me in that place. I didn’t need clichés; I needed someone to be real with me. If you are in a place like this, please know that I understand. I am going to attempt to be as real as possible, to strip down my words and show what I was feeling and experiencing when I was in that place. Although I am in a better place now, a place of beauty rather than mourning… I want to be sensitive and remember that some of you are still in that place of mourning. And that is OK. Please do not feel like you need to get out of that place as quickly as possible; please do not feel like I am saying you need to strive to jump out of that so that you can join me here on the ‘other side’ which is called beauty. The place of mourning is a normal and very necessary place for you. Enter into that place and embrace it as part of your story. Enter into that pain and truly experience the emotions. Wrestle with God through this. Find people who will walk with you through this, who will enter your place of mourning with you and sit with you there. Then, when the time comes and you have fully experienced the deep valleys of your place of mourning… that place of beauty that emerges almost unnoticed, as it creeps into your heart like the rising mist of the morning sunrise across a field… that subtle emergence of your place of beauty will take your breath away. When that moment comes, you will experience new emotions and a new season. It will come.

“Wait, the Light Will Come” – Phil Wickham
To the one with the wounded heart

The years fighting have left you scarred

Wait the light will come

To the one with the distant eyes

All this crying has left you dry

Wait the light will come

Wait the light will come

Lift your eyes

The sun has overcome the night

Come alive
As we shine in loves true light


Here is laughter beyond the tears

Here is courage to face your fears

Look the light has come

So rise you daughters and stand you sons

Claim the victory that Jesus won

Look the Light has come

Look the Light has come

Invitation.

Hi friends.
A few months ago, I decided to start writing down my journey. Everything that I've gone through in the past few years, and everything that has happened in my heart through it all. The purpose? Mainly just something for myself... a way to discover and process and just remember all that God has done. One day I was writing about how I wish I would have been more open throughout everything, how I wish that I had let other people in on my journey as I was going through it all. I feel like by holding it in, by withholding the 'crappy' part of my story, I may have also been withholding a chance, an opportunity, for all of you to experience and fully know the beauty that has been emerging. If I had been more open throughout the dark seasons, I feel like others would have been able to participate in rejoicing in all that has happened because of it all. I'm sorry that I didn't let you all in on my journey through the valleys.

In recent months, as I've been writing and processing through all of this, I've started wondering... am I withholding again? What if I let others in on this process now, and give them a chance to see inside of my heart as I am processing through it all?

So, here I am. This blog is just a place where I'll be sharing some of my rambling thoughts about my journey thus far. This is a story that I never dreamed I would have, but it's a story that I'm learning to embrace. If you know me, you know I'm not the best at sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings... and it's a bit scary for me to write them here on a blog. To be honest, I feel a bit intimidated by how vulnerable this makes me.... BUT, I don't want to withhold my story any longer... so, if you would like to participate in this story, then this is an invitation for you to join me.