A look back @ the hardest week of my life.

JOURNAL ENTRY: OCTOBER 26, 2006

The hardest week of my life. By far, the absolute hardest. So many emotions. TOO many. Don't know how to deal with them all. The past several days, I haven't even dealt with them, I've stuffed them. And now, I don't know WHAT to feel.

Tuesday morning, my life crashed all around me. Starting the day with that horrible news made me want to die. Emotions were crazy; what did I feel? Anger, sadness, like my heart was being crushed. Betrayal, hatred, confusion. Denial. A lot of denail. This couldn't happen to us. There's no way. Seriously, no way. Sure, things had been hard. At times, it was really, really horrible. But then there were the good times. Like when the sun starts to peek through the clouds, and you realize that there's still hope. But that morning, the clouds were overpowering, shutting out any glimmer of light. Why? How? Really? Did that REALLY happen? Please tell me no. Please tell me this is all just a horrible nightmare, that I'm going to wake up and things will be as they should. Complete and utter shock. My body feels like it's shutting down. My brain isn't processing anything. My emotions take over, and I'm washed in sadness as the tears begin to flow. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop crying. Silence on the other end of the line.

And then, all of a sudden, I am forced to shut off my pain; forced to ignore the hurt, to take my eyes off of myself. Because this is a matter of life and death, and my husband wants to die. I'm immediately focused on him, pleading with him not to give up, not to quit. Pleading with him to come back home. The only thing I'm feeling now is fear. Fear that I've never before experienced. Fear that this person really WILL follow through with what he's saying, that I will never see him again. Fear turns to panic, and again the tears come. I'm on the brink of becoming hysterical; or perhaps I've already crossed that line. How can I go on living without this man that God has placed in my life? How can he be so selfish as to take his own life, leaving me here without him? I can't go on alone, and I tell him that. Begging, pleading, screaming, crying. All with an overwhelming sense of dread, hopelessness, fear, and panic. Hanging up the phone only after the promise that yes, he will come home. But I'm still just as fearful. Still not knowing if he really will make it back home to me. How am I supposed to continue on with my day, as if it were just another normal day? I push the fear and panic deep down inside, not allowing myself to think all the 'what if' thoughts that are now bombarding my mind.

I drive off to work, fighting the tears, fighting the pain. Suddenly I begin to pray as I've never prayed before. Crying out to God, pleading with him to save my husband. Begging him to bring this man back home to me. Somehow, in the midst of it all, I am able to intercede on behalf of my husband. The next several hours are terrible hours, full of fear and worrying, but I'm not able to do anything. Just waiting. Helpless. Hurting, but not allowing myself to think about the pain. When the call finally comes, I'm washed with a wave of relief. He made it home. And yet, with that relief also come waves and waves of other emotions. And questions. So many questions. But I still need to get through the day, and so I stuff them down again.

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If you couldn't tell... the above situation is when I found out about the first time my ex-husband had cheated on me. Only five months into our new marriage, finding out about it had absolutely crushed me. It was exactly one week after my birthday - a day I will not soon forget - and although the pain has totally healed, for some reason the month of October always brings back memories of that day. Looking back, I can see that week with a new perspective... Just wanted to share a little excerpt from my journal.